It's
happened again. I've lost more ability. I've been house bound for 15
weeks. That means I've
Looking
ahead to dreary winter weather means it confines me to only inside. Not a
pleasant thought. In fact it’s downright depressing. I suffer with depression
sometimes especially in winter (note to self start researching those light
bulbs you know the ones that mimic sunlight) anyway winter is isolating. I feel
if I'm not a part of the world, anymore, that I don't have anything to
give. It's funny but when you can no longer go out you don't realize how
much you give up. It's understood you give up going places. But think about it.
What else are you giving up?
- Control,
- Freedom,
- Seeing
your world,
- Changes
to your world,
- Being
part of something even it's being a part of a crowd (a crowd of 3 people
standing in line at the same time), seeing your world from a new perspective,
- Anticipating
something. I think I think there’s a lot of managing expectations here.
- Experiencing
new things, (believe me its the same ole same old around here day in and day
out) now I don't want to be a Debby downer. I'm not looking for pity I'm just
trying to explain what my life has boiled down to and what I have been able to
take from it. How I’m trying to take a sh*@#y situation and flip it on
it’s head to make it work for me.
I
have been working on living my life FULLY in spite of being sick. So
different than what it would have been if I wasn't sick. Reality
check-but...I am sick! I've been working really hard on being ok with
that. Embracing it even. That's not to say I'm owning it. Nope, no way but I'm
DONE fighting it. It is my reality whether I like it or not so I can
embrace it and be happy, or fight it and make both me and those around me
miserable. I did that for too many years. I spent years, yes YEARS pretending
that I wasn't sick. Trying to get rid of my problems. Trying to jump through
hoops to evade my problems. Trying to live up to others expectations. I
found when I couldn’t live up to them there’s a judgment and I feel like I let
them down. In the beginning years I was always pushing through excepting the
disappointment that comes when expectations aren’t meant. I was left feeling
less than and that I had let them down. When in fact, I had no control over my
illness. I was done with that, so over it.
I
decided to maybe start using my problems -- side note here (this thought change
has forced me to grow so much as a person). It's the small decisions.
Ones we all make multiple times a day. Now 12 years later I'm looking
back on it and thinking how incredibly blessed I am to be able to go through
this. I know how crazy that sounds but its true. Would I have chosen this for
myself? Of course not! But I didn't choose it, IT was chosen for me. I am,
however, responsible for how I deal with it though. I never would have grown
this much unless I was forced to. We tend to grow in the tough times. I was
forced to look at my thinking and change it or continue to be miserable.
I have been working really hard on my empathy, patience, grace, embracing life,
humility.
I'm
not going to lie. It was HARD work. It's hard being in constant pain for 12
years, 24-7. Hard coping, hard being patient with those around me when the pain
is so high I just want to scream and cry. Cry like a 2 year old you know what
I’m talking about where your eyes are swollen and red, where snot is choking
you and wetting your shirt where you screaming and don’t care if the neighbors
think there’s a murder being committed. Yeah that kind of crying. It's
Hard sometimes just answering a question politely when I just want to snap some
sarcastic answer especially when the person is asking that question to try to
make me more comfortable. I need to get myself mentally in a place where
I am appreciating and grateful for the little things. IT'S HARD!
I
had the assumption I was going to live my "golden" years traveling
and enjoying my kids and grandchildren. Bad assumption on my part. I've
realized assuming is downright wrong. I have learned I have NO right to assume
anything. I am only able to anything, because of grace. Being able to get out
of bed in the morning, because some mornings it’s down right questionable. If
John’s not home am I able to make a cup of coffee for myself. I have
learned do not assume anything anymore. Just because the morning is ok
the afternoon could change on a dime and not be so good or even worse down
right bad.
So
again we are reassessing. What can we do to make the house work better
for me. We have decided to add a small porch under the living room window
in the front yard. If the world is going on without me. Then I can sit on the
porch and watch it go by. I can wave and talk with my neighbors. Another
project is to rearrange the furniture in the living room. By flip flopping the
recliners with the T.V. it first off, allows more light to come in for the
dreary winter months fast approaching. Secondly, I can sit there in my recliner
when it’s too cold to go outside and watch the world go by.
This
reassessing seems to be a constant theme around here. We spent last fall making
changes to the house to make it better for a disabled person. It took me
months to be able to say the word disabled in relation to me. But I worked
through that and accepted that I am in fact a disabled person. That’s why I get
the “special” blue hanging parking permit for my rear view mirror. And we put a
grab bar on the patio so I can go out back safely, we lowered the bed so I
could get out of bed without falling made raised garden boxes so I would be
able to work in the garden come spring. (John enjoyed the benefits of this
project because I was unable to navigate the lawn this summer.) We rearranged
the kitchen so I can reach what I use without climbing, because we all know I’m
vertically challenged. John spent the spring and early summer planting flowers
so it’s
So
what’s the takeaway? My thinking and attitudes has changed for the better. As
my world has shrunk, yet again, it’s like a microscope has been put on the
value of my relationships. It’s made me appreciate the little
things. All the little things. Because, it’s all those little things that
get lost in the busyness of life. And we don’t even realize we lost them until
we take the time to look back and miss what we had. I urge you to take
the time. Appreciate what you have now. Don’t assume, there’s that word again,
because the future may be different than it is now. Embracing the “joy”
of today. Appreciating what I can still do. Even if it’s just getting out of
bed without help. Heck appreciating getting out of bed at all. Because,
as small as my world has shrunk it could still shrink smaller. I say it again
embracing the “joy” of today. Sometimes the answer is not the gaining but the
losing; which ultimately is a gain. John read me a scripture a few weeks ago which
we are mediating on daily. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12 NIV.
As always, until we talk again
As always, until we talk again
Art Therapy coloring books in my Etsy shop:
"Under the Sea" Zentangle http://etsy.me/2uyf2lH
"Hearts" http://etsy.me/1Kdwykm
"Under the Sea" Zentangle http://etsy.me/2uyf2lH
"Hearts" http://etsy.me/1Kdwykm
