John and I were sitting on
the patio talking last night and he asked me "what I want to accomplish this
summer?" I thought about it a minute and said I think I need to work on contentment.
The dictionary definition is:
con*tent*ment
The state of being contented; ease of mind. A mental or emotional state of satisfaction maybe drawn from being at ease in one's situation, body and mind. Colloquially speaking, contentment could be a state of having accepted one's situation and is a milder and more tentative form of happiness.
As I've mentioned in a previous blog post I've
recently come across information concerning my medical issues. This has rocked
my world and changed the playing field. I'll go into more detail explaining it
all on another blog post. It overwhelms me to get it down on paper. I’ve tried but I need to get my thoughts
clear enough to explain it. I’ve waded through mountains of research but have
trouble explaining what I've learned.
Back to contentment. I'm striving to be content in where I
am. I'll be honest with you it's been a rough couple months. I've been dealing
with anger, frustration, grief and depression. Because there is no CURE or TREATMENT
for Fluoroquinole Toxicity Syndrome (FTS) I am struggling my way through accepting
that this is the best I will be from now on, there’s a very real possibility of
complications and getting even worse. I now know that I will never be able to do the physical
things that I used to do with ease, because of the damage done to me is
permanent. I have to come to terms with these things – these limitations. That’s
the crux of the problem right there. That's where my brain shutters to a halt and screams at me "wait, what? wait, no that can't be right." “These
limitations.” Just those two little words sends chills up my spine. I need to turn my thinking around to one of acceptance. Acceptance of my current condition - which I cannot change - and I need to have a realistic understanding of my future prospects. I need to be at peace with what I cannot, but, more importantly what I CAN do. Sounds
so easy doesn’t it? The voice in my head is snapping "well it's NOT!" lots of foot stomping and failing of arms going on also.
I find I am grieving for the lifestyle I used to
have ... free of chronic pain. Having clear thinking and feeling strong and
able to work, being able to leave the house, to go places, to visit with
friends and family. To be able to think clearly enough to have a conversation
and to be able to track with conversations going on around me. To be able to
cook, clean my house or even dress myself without help. Be able to go to the
store, a concert, movie or even to drive - these are all things I've had to
give up as a result of FTS.
I've been on a roller coaster of anger,
frustration, wrestling with how it's not fair and lots of depression,
and bouncing back-and-forth between all of them. (Poor John, he's been
supporting me through it. He gets Husband of the year for sure.)
But, back to that contentment thing. I need to accept
that this is where I am, and this is how it will be - short of the Lord healing
me - from now on.
We decided we will spend the Summer tackling
some projects around here to make the house safer. Brainstorming ways to
make it easier for me to do the things I need to do. Laundry, cooking, getting
into and out of my bed safely. Grab bars in the shower, widening the
front sidewalk.
Because my tendons and muscles were damaged it's difficult for
me to reach above shoulder height. Since I'm short in stature lol, this
presents a real problem. I'm finding it difficult reaching into the upper cabinets
of the kitchen. If I have anything with any weight at all in my hands a plate, a mug
even hanging a shirt on the closet pole is extremely painful. Not being able to
reach anything above shoulder height I'm finding out is indeed very limiting. Do
you realize how often you reach UP for something? A step stool seems the
obvious solution but I have trouble with balance so I'm not sure that's a safe
choice. I'm open to any suggestions, some of these challenges really have us stumped. We recently
downsized to a smaller home to make it easier for me. (A
very good move on our part with the info we now have on my medical condition) but
we do not have the room to move everything out of the upper cabinets and use only
the lower ones.
So we will take the summer making the house safer and easier for me to
live in, especially when John is not home.
We need to figure out some areas where I am having difficulty so I will
be able to maneuver through a day on my own. For example, when I am having a
bad brain fog day, how to turn on or off the heat and air. How to use the
microwave, make a cup of coffee. All things I used to do without thinking about,
things I took for granted.
That's all well and good, but back to the contentment, I need
to find. I know for my own mental health I need to be content. I need to accept
where I am. I need to accept my limitations, I need to have a positive
attitude, and I need to get back to where I can see the good in things. I NEED
TO LET GO OF THE ANGER, I need to let go of the frustration, and I need to find
joy! I
know it means that I won’t get back to where I "used to be." But I can still make
progress! There are still amazing things I was meant to do. I know I was put here for a purpose and I can't get distracted with all the physical limitations. With the emotional trauma. I need to dig deep and find perseverance and strength.
So this summer, there are lots of projects around the house
to get done. But the hardest job, MY biggest job, will be contentment!
Working through the grieving and being content.
Being able to honestly say Whatever my lot,
Thou has taught me to say It is
well, it is well with my soul.
Oh, I forgot to tell you my second book in the series Coloring Therapy is available on Amazon!!! That just shows you how much I've been struggling. I'm so excited to have not one, but two books on Amazon and forgot to let any know? lol
Do you know of someone struggling to accept something they cannot change? I'd love to hear from you.
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You can purchase my Coloring Notebook/Journal (Coloring Therapy) (Volume 1)
here: http://amzn.to/2jeGh26
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here: http://amzn.to/2pOlq7Z
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